Beauty in Brokenness

It's almost been 5 months since the world I was excited for was stripped away from me and I can honestly say that I love the adventure that God has me on now.

There is something beautiful about being broken.  When Kayla cancelled the wedding I was broken.  Insecurities flooded my thoughts faster than a tropical storm raging through a city.  I had two choices.  I could either run from my brokenness or I could face it and deal with those insecurities.

Although I have some amazing friends and family that encouraged me and loved me, I needed to realize the love that our Creator had/has for me because, to be honest, all I cared about was the love that Kayla had for me.

There was one night that ended up in me throwing up all over my friends brand new condo floor because of all the alcohol I consumed.  My fiance broke up with me. I felt unattractive...I felt unloved.  I thought I DESERVED any escape of my choosing.

That next morning when I woke up and looked at the dried vomit on my shirt, blanket and floor, I realized if I continued to chose those decisions I wouldn't be helping my brokenness.  I was just running from the insecurities and the pain would only worsen.  Although I'm embarrassed and disappointed by that night of drinking, it pushed me to really seek the love Christ has for me.  Sure, I grew up knowing of His love.  He died for my sins and I am truly grateful, but up until January, I lived such an easy life that I didn't really need to understand to what extent He loves me.

That morning, as I nursed the worst headache I've ever had, I decided to really discover God's unconditional love.  Instead of running from my brokenness, I was going to surrender to him.  My thoughts of feeling ugly.  My thoughts of feeling worthless...unloved.  I always thought that God had an adventure for me and I was finally ready to accept that adventure.

In only a short 5 months God has led me to a new city, a new church and new friends.  He has revealed to me passions and gifts that I had forgotten about.  He showed me how blessed I am for so many reasons.  I have the world's most encouraging and supporting friends and family that I can think of.  He has healed my broken heart and has helped me forgive.  Most importantly, He's loved me and I get at what extent.

And we are His portion and He is our prize, 

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes, 

If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.

And Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss, 

And my heart turns violently inside of my chest, 

I don't have time to maintain these regrets, 

When I think about, the way... 

Oh, how He loves

Every time I sing that song at Wooddale Church it brings tears to my eyes.  When my world can crash around me, God's love never fails.

Every day I wake up I am thankful for the adventure that I am on.  I am thankful that I was broken and I will accept the challenge next time I'm broken again.  For the first time in a long time I'm seeing people the way that Christ sees people. 

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

I wouldn't have been able to heal as quickly as I did if it wasn't for my friends, old and new.  If any of you are reading this, THANK YOU!  Wooddale church is a special place.  A place filled with God's love.  I'm thankful for the role the people of that church have had in my life and am honored that I can be a part of their ministry.

I love that I was broken because I can now relate to others who are broken.  I can share with them about how refreshing and healing God's love is.

Father, my prayer is that I continue to accept this adventure that you have me on.  Through the good and the bad...the broken times and the encouraging times lead me where you want me to go.  Reveal to me even more how You love so I can show that love to others.

Cracked Egg

Have you ever bought a carton of eggs and looked at how perfect they were?  They are pure white and in a weird way beautiful. Has an egg ever slipped out of that perfect carton as you're putting it away and cracked all over the floor?  What a mess that makes!

I feel like that fallen egg.  It is ugly, broken and a nuisance.  My last post was filled with so much hope and strength, but I've been running thin lately.

I know you can't repair a broken egg.  The best you can do is scrape it off the floor and put it in the pan. (I wouldn't advise you to do that.)  I know that I can be repaired, but I'm waiting...and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of feeling like a cracked egg.  Nothing like an ugly nuisance.


Wow, this is an emo post.  I don't have enough hair to be emo.  My prayer is Psalm 147:3

Pure Joy

James 1:2-4

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

 This was probably my favorite verse for the longest time.  It is a verse that is underlined in my Bible and was underlined in the Bible before that, but I never fully understood it because I never went through any big trials.

Yes, I've had a hard day at work or had a hard day as a student.  I've been mad at family or friends, but, until recently, I never had anything really difficult in my life happen to me and for that I have been lucky.

As most or some of you know, Kayla called off our marriage.  This is not a blog post where you're going to get all the juicy details of the break-up because honestly, there isn't any.  This isn't a blog post where I'm going to say anything negative about Kayla because I can't.  She did what was best for us in the long run.  As hurt as I am, I'm thankful.  This blog post is more for me to process what James 1:2-4 means to me and if someone else is going through there own trial of any size, maybe they can see some hope.

When my wedding was called off, I was shattered. It was not something I expected nor was it something I was excited to deal with.  The life that I was expecting, planning and hoping for was gone.  Yes, I know God has a plan for my life, but it wasn'...isn't the plan that I wanted.  It's one thing to say, "God's got a plan for me and that's the best plan for my life" and it's another thing believing His plan is the best when life throws you a curve ball.

In the two months since this situation has gone down a lot has changed.  I temporarily moved in with my old college roommate and his wife.  (So thankful for their hearts.) I recently moved into a single apartment in Bloomington. (Indoor and outdoor pool/hot tub. HEYOH)  I'm single for the first time in 3.5 years.  I struggle with image issues which is bringing me to tears right now, but I have never felt God's love more than I have in these past two months.  I'm learning what James 1:2-4 really means.

Every day since the break-up is a new battle. There are some days where I feel fine, but I would be lying if I said I haven't felt lonely, sad, or angry.  In those times so many verses come to mind, but James 1:2-4 sticks out the most.  I must consider it PURE joy when i face trials because it develops perseverance, but more importantly it makes me realize God's love for me and my need for a Savior.

Regardless of the s#!& around me and the lies that go through my head, I know that I have a God that loves me.  In verse 12 of chapter 1 it says:

"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."

In the two months since this whole ordeal has gone done, there have been some days I've trusted God's plan and some days I haven't. I wish I could say that every second of every day I've trusted in God's plan for my life, but I can't say that.  Most days I have and the thing that is keeping me going is the promise that God has for me.

There is NOTHING in this temporary life that I want more than a loving wife and family, but if that's not God's plan for me now... or ever then I will be faithful to Him because His plan is the best plan.  When I face trials I WILL persevere. (Aretha Franklin's song is running through my head right now...anyone else?)

Honestly, this isn't one of my best posts, but it does show my heart.  It's bruised, but it's not broken because God works for the good of those who love Him.

I hope no one reads this post and thinks anything negative towards Kayla. That is not my intention. Her heart may not be into me anymore, but I know it's into God.

Hebrews 1:3

Did you ever have one of these in your house?  Some of you may be really confused as to what that picture is, but for the rest who may have lived in an older house (Or may have been forced to work on income properties like I did) you immediately know that that's a radiator.

Today, I will be spending the majority of my time talking about radiators...well, not exactly.



Hebrews 1:3 says, "The Son is the radiance of God's glory and the exact representation of his being, sustaining all things by his powerful word.  After he had provided purification for sins, he sat down at the right hand of the Majesty in heaven."

There is a LOT to this verse.  Truly stop and think about the beauty of this verse.  This verse is full of power statements:

radiance
exact representation
sustaining ALL things by his powerful word
provided purification for sins
Majesty in heaven

I could spend time writing a blog on each of these statements, however, I will not.  When I read this verse the word "Radiance" jumped out at me.  What picture pops into your brain when you hear the word radiance?

                    This!                                    

       THIS?












This?









Apparantly when I hear the word "Radiance" I think of a radiator.  It could be because of the hatred I have for radiators.  I don't know why I hate them because they are a source of heat and comfort, but they are SO ugly. They creak and groan and I SWEAR they come to life at night. Not to mention they are a decorating nightmare.  Anyways, back to the verse.

"The Son is the radiance of God's glory."  What does that mean?

God's glory is communicated through Jesus Christ!  It's important to understand that "radiance" does NOT equal reflection.  One blogger put it like this:

When we see the full moon in the sky, we think that it is brightly shining. But in fact, the moon has no ability to shine at all. It is a lifeless, dusty rock. Its brightness is merely a reflection of the sun's light.
In reality, the sun's light is radiated from the burning star in the center of our solar system. Christ is not reflecting God's glory, as the moon reflects the sun, but He is the radiance of God's glory, as the light and energy waves bring the power of the sun to us.

Without light waves, we could not see the sun. Without its energy being transmitted to earth, we could not feel its heat. The same is true here: without Jesus Christ, we could not see God. But now, because Christ has come, we have seen God.


 I could not have said it better...which is why I just pasted and copied what this author wrote!

Without that ugly radiator in my bedroom when I was younger, I could not have felt the heat from the furnace.  Without the sacrifice that Jesus made, I could not see God's glory.


John 14:5-9 sums this up really well:Thomas said to him, "Lord, we don't know where you are going, so how can we know the way?" Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you really knew me, you would know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him." Philip said, "Lord, show us the Father and that will be enough for us." Jesus answered: "Don't you know me, Philip, even after I have been among you such a long time? Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. How can you say, 'Show us the Father'?


Isn't it beautiful that because of Jesus' sacrifice we now can see God's glory?  Sit and think with me about the beauty of this verse!

Ecclesiastes 4:12

"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.  A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."

99.9% of the time I've heard this verse mentioned is during a wedding ceremony.  I would almost bet that I'm going to hear this verse at some point during my wedding weekend in July.  It's an important one to remember, but I'm not going to be speaking from a marriage standpoint.

We live in a world that is very independent.  Lookout for number 1! Asking for help is almost a sign of weakness.  Christianity is taboo for many different reasons and this is one of those reasons.

Today I will be providing an easier way for us to accomplish or goals and to stay accountable.  

***Spoiler arlert***

It's not by doing it alone!

All throughout the Bible, Christ talks about unity, community and love.  This verse is the perfect example of all three.  When I read this verse, I am reminded of the friendship between David and Jonathan.

If it wasn't for their loyalty to each other, but more importantly their loyalty to Christ, it is very possible that David would have been killed by Saul before he ever was king.

There are some things in life that we may not be able to accomplish without the prayer, support and encouragement of others around us.  This is why we are called into community with one another.

"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves."  I know myself.  I know that when things get difficult I tend to give up and if I don't have someone to steer me back on path I will stop pursuing that goal to find an easier one.  (That's one of my many character flaws.) 

On Thanksgiving day this past year, I ran my first 5k.  3.1 miles isn't really anything to brag about, but I am not a runner and it was on my bucket list of things to accomplish.  Kayla, so lovingly, decided to run alongside me to help me keep my pace and to provide me support.  I'm not going to lie, I probably would have walked at one or two points of the race if it wasn't for her support and encouragement.  At the end of the race, my time wasn't exactly what I was hoping for, but I didn't walk once.  

Friends, (I'm not talking to anyone here since no one reads this blog) if we try to accomplish goals or stay accountable without asking for the support of others, we are setting ourselves up for failure.  I'm excited for marriage, because this verse is SO applicable (hence why I hear it all the time at weddings), however there are certain aspects of life where Kayla can't be a part of the cord.

Having a Jonathan or two is needed, but we can't forget about the 3rd strand which is Christ.  If Christ isn't a part of our cord it will slowly fray and brake.  

Having Christ at the center and a companion pushing me and encouraging me is the key to accomplishing my goals and keeping me accountable. 

      Weekly thought to ponder:

Who are my Jonathan's and is Christ our third strand?

Josh in December

I recently have started a daily devotional on the website YouVersion.  The devotional was created by Rick Warren author of "Purpose Driven Life."  I'm two days in and so far I'm liking what I'm reading.

Today's passage was in Genesis.  Abraham was explaining exactly the type of wife that he wants Isaac to marry and he wasn't going to settle.  Rick mentioned that Abraham had a goal for his son and it wasn't a vague goal.

Many times in life we create goals for ourselves, but we set ourselves up for failure.  When I look over my personal life, my goals are so vague or so simple that there is no power behind them.

Rick challenges us with these four questions.

1.) What do I want to be?
2.) What do I want to do?
3.) What do I want to have?
4.) Why do I want to have it?

Rick says, "You can't just know the what, You need to know the why.  That is your motivation.  If you don't know the WHY, you will give up when it gets tough."  When I understand WHY I want certain things, I will understand if those desires are from the Lord or from my own selfishness.  Goals are a lot easier to accomplish when they are Godly goals and not earthly goals.

Some of these questions are difficult for me to answer especially since I'm a 27 year old graduate who will never have a job based on his degree.  Many times I feel stuck.  I don't feel like I can ask myself, "What do I want to be?" or "What do I want to do?"  

When I hear the question, "What do I want to be?" I immediately think of choosing a job, but it doesn't have to be vocational.  I don't know what my dream job is and I never did.  I do know that I want to be a man after God's own heart as well as be a spiritual leader in my relationship with Kayla.

I prioritize being a man after God's own heart higher than I do being a spiritual leader.  That's not because I love myself over Kayla, but because if I am not pursuing the goal of being a man after God's own heart than I will never be able to be a spiritual leader to my fiance.  The "why" would be backwards and I would never accomplish my goal.

What are your goals?  Why do you want to have it?


My prayer tonight:
Heavenly Father,

I thank you for reminding me that setting goals is a good thing as long as I understand why I want that goal.  I pray that the goals that I do pursue are heavenly.

Father, starting now, I want to be daily pursuing a deeper relationship with you.  I want to be a man after your own heart and not for anyone but for you.  I want to bring glory to you and out of the abundance let it flow into my relationship with Kayla.

I am your servant.