Beauty in Brokenness

It's almost been 5 months since the world I was excited for was stripped away from me and I can honestly say that I love the adventure that God has me on now.

There is something beautiful about being broken.  When Kayla cancelled the wedding I was broken.  Insecurities flooded my thoughts faster than a tropical storm raging through a city.  I had two choices.  I could either run from my brokenness or I could face it and deal with those insecurities.

Although I have some amazing friends and family that encouraged me and loved me, I needed to realize the love that our Creator had/has for me because, to be honest, all I cared about was the love that Kayla had for me.

There was one night that ended up in me throwing up all over my friends brand new condo floor because of all the alcohol I consumed.  My fiance broke up with me. I felt unattractive...I felt unloved.  I thought I DESERVED any escape of my choosing.

That next morning when I woke up and looked at the dried vomit on my shirt, blanket and floor, I realized if I continued to chose those decisions I wouldn't be helping my brokenness.  I was just running from the insecurities and the pain would only worsen.  Although I'm embarrassed and disappointed by that night of drinking, it pushed me to really seek the love Christ has for me.  Sure, I grew up knowing of His love.  He died for my sins and I am truly grateful, but up until January, I lived such an easy life that I didn't really need to understand to what extent He loves me.

That morning, as I nursed the worst headache I've ever had, I decided to really discover God's unconditional love.  Instead of running from my brokenness, I was going to surrender to him.  My thoughts of feeling ugly.  My thoughts of feeling worthless...unloved.  I always thought that God had an adventure for me and I was finally ready to accept that adventure.

In only a short 5 months God has led me to a new city, a new church and new friends.  He has revealed to me passions and gifts that I had forgotten about.  He showed me how blessed I am for so many reasons.  I have the world's most encouraging and supporting friends and family that I can think of.  He has healed my broken heart and has helped me forgive.  Most importantly, He's loved me and I get at what extent.

And we are His portion and He is our prize, 

Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes, 

If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.

And Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss, 

And my heart turns violently inside of my chest, 

I don't have time to maintain these regrets, 

When I think about, the way... 

Oh, how He loves

Every time I sing that song at Wooddale Church it brings tears to my eyes.  When my world can crash around me, God's love never fails.

Every day I wake up I am thankful for the adventure that I am on.  I am thankful that I was broken and I will accept the challenge next time I'm broken again.  For the first time in a long time I'm seeing people the way that Christ sees people. 

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

I wouldn't have been able to heal as quickly as I did if it wasn't for my friends, old and new.  If any of you are reading this, THANK YOU!  Wooddale church is a special place.  A place filled with God's love.  I'm thankful for the role the people of that church have had in my life and am honored that I can be a part of their ministry.

I love that I was broken because I can now relate to others who are broken.  I can share with them about how refreshing and healing God's love is.

Father, my prayer is that I continue to accept this adventure that you have me on.  Through the good and the bad...the broken times and the encouraging times lead me where you want me to go.  Reveal to me even more how You love so I can show that love to others.

Cracked Egg

Have you ever bought a carton of eggs and looked at how perfect they were?  They are pure white and in a weird way beautiful. Has an egg ever slipped out of that perfect carton as you're putting it away and cracked all over the floor?  What a mess that makes!

I feel like that fallen egg.  It is ugly, broken and a nuisance.  My last post was filled with so much hope and strength, but I've been running thin lately.

I know you can't repair a broken egg.  The best you can do is scrape it off the floor and put it in the pan. (I wouldn't advise you to do that.)  I know that I can be repaired, but I'm waiting...and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of feeling like a cracked egg.  Nothing like an ugly nuisance.


Wow, this is an emo post.  I don't have enough hair to be emo.  My prayer is Psalm 147:3

Pure Joy

James 1:2-4

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

 This was probably my favorite verse for the longest time.  It is a verse that is underlined in my Bible and was underlined in the Bible before that, but I never fully understood it because I never went through any big trials.

Yes, I've had a hard day at work or had a hard day as a student.  I've been mad at family or friends, but, until recently, I never had anything really difficult in my life happen to me and for that I have been lucky.

As most or some of you know, Kayla called off our marriage.  This is not a blog post where you're going to get all the juicy details of the break-up because honestly, there isn't any.  This isn't a blog post where I'm going to say anything negative about Kayla because I can't.  She did what was best for us in the long run.  As hurt as I am, I'm thankful.  This blog post is more for me to process what James 1:2-4 means to me and if someone else is going through there own trial of any size, maybe they can see some hope.

When my wedding was called off, I was shattered. It was not something I expected nor was it something I was excited to deal with.  The life that I was expecting, planning and hoping for was gone.  Yes, I know God has a plan for my life, but it wasn'...isn't the plan that I wanted.  It's one thing to say, "God's got a plan for me and that's the best plan for my life" and it's another thing believing His plan is the best when life throws you a curve ball.

In the two months since this situation has gone down a lot has changed.  I temporarily moved in with my old college roommate and his wife.  (So thankful for their hearts.) I recently moved into a single apartment in Bloomington. (Indoor and outdoor pool/hot tub. HEYOH)  I'm single for the first time in 3.5 years.  I struggle with image issues which is bringing me to tears right now, but I have never felt God's love more than I have in these past two months.  I'm learning what James 1:2-4 really means.

Every day since the break-up is a new battle. There are some days where I feel fine, but I would be lying if I said I haven't felt lonely, sad, or angry.  In those times so many verses come to mind, but James 1:2-4 sticks out the most.  I must consider it PURE joy when i face trials because it develops perseverance, but more importantly it makes me realize God's love for me and my need for a Savior.

Regardless of the s#!& around me and the lies that go through my head, I know that I have a God that loves me.  In verse 12 of chapter 1 it says:

"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."

In the two months since this whole ordeal has gone done, there have been some days I've trusted God's plan and some days I haven't. I wish I could say that every second of every day I've trusted in God's plan for my life, but I can't say that.  Most days I have and the thing that is keeping me going is the promise that God has for me.

There is NOTHING in this temporary life that I want more than a loving wife and family, but if that's not God's plan for me now... or ever then I will be faithful to Him because His plan is the best plan.  When I face trials I WILL persevere. (Aretha Franklin's song is running through my head right now...anyone else?)

Honestly, this isn't one of my best posts, but it does show my heart.  It's bruised, but it's not broken because God works for the good of those who love Him.

I hope no one reads this post and thinks anything negative towards Kayla. That is not my intention. Her heart may not be into me anymore, but I know it's into God.